Post 10 :: Assigned Post
School... is not in my best interests anymore. Maybe I burned myself out freshman year. I don't feel any of that drive. I feel the undertow, pulling at my ankles, telling me that I need to get good grades, feeding me disappointment and sucking me under if I don't. I don't want to study and spend my life -- "the best years of my life" -- studying and working for something I don't really "believe in," but lately, all I think about is how I'm falling behind in classes, how I need to work my ass off trying to maintain my expectations (as well as my parents'), and how none if it really clicks with me. What am I doing? Where am I headed? What am I going to do with my life? What happens if my grades do drop? What happens when everything just stops? What happens when college app time rolls around and I have no idea what I want to do? What if I go to a college and find out it's not the one for me? What if I can't find a job?
I'm so stressed about every little thing nowadays. Life has lost its sparkle.
Or rather, it's all fun until something is due, or until I have to cram for a test. Or when I have to play in a concert/ensemble.
I'm currently wondering if my taking honors/AP classes is worth the stress and ... general un-fun-ness it brings. Should I slack and have fun, but be unprepared for college? Or should I keep going through hell as I know it? "When you're going through hell, keep going." But when will it end? When I graduate from high school? When I get a job? When I retire?
When I die?
What are we doing with our lives? When we compare this with what we want to do, how do they stand together? Which one stands taller? Should it?
3 comments:
You are super smart Jess, don't worry too much. As for the classes, how about a compromising middle? Take a course you just love, that you just thrive in. That's something to look forward too. How about Sophmore Luau? Junior Function? Wind Ensemble? Marching Band? Aren't those some really fun things?
My ideal with this life and what's worth it and what's not is: just enjoy it. If you start thinking about things that are very deep and thoughtful, things can get out of hand. SO just enjoy life. OR you could spend your whole life thinking about things you shouldve done. But if you just relax you do them anyway. -Jenn.
AP classes are fun! Take AP environmental and AP psych. They are the best classes ever. You should also take drawing!!! You are an incredible artist.
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Hello! I'm Lauren from KIS, Korean International School. I heard that you will be joining us soon on the 1001 Arabian Nights project. This blog article is great. I agree with you that we are born to reach our parents' expectation. It's hard and sometimes hard like hell but let me cheer you up a bit. I, personally, think we can have some fun after we retire. I think we are having a hard time to prepare for the fun times after retirement. It will be harder for us if we decide to have fun right now since, that means we would have to work and have hell times eventually sometime later in our lives. I'm surprised that you're taking AP classes. Our school only allows 11th grade up to take AP classes unless you are recommended by a teacher when you are a freshman, and take the AP class at 10th grade. I'm planning to take biology AP class next year since my teacher recommended me! I know that it'll be hard on me but why not feel the pain when I'm in 10th grade than in college?
I also have no plans for my future. Ofcourse, my dreams are to go to an Ivy league university but I don't know what I want to become. I love biology and Literature classes but they are total opposites, aren't they? I'm going NUTS these days from my mom's insist on studying for my PSAT. I try, but there are also things called GPA that I have to keep up. Sometimes, I feel that my mom is expecting too much but when I think deeply, I could do much better than now.
WOw, that's long. cheer up and maybe become more optimistic? Your subtitle is cool! I want that too. I would never want to die being painful from an illness. I see that you're smart from other comments, so you have a great chance. Try to predict the fun you'll have when you study now. See ya!
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