i keep trying to face the day

Post 13 :: Reflection :: Lucky Number 13 :: Too Much :: Interests :: Support + Money vs. Happiness


I


3. Reflect on all your posts up to this point. Then revisit your essential questions. Write a post in which you discuss what you now know regarding your questions. Do you need to explore further? Have your questions changed?

Frankly, I can't even remember what the essential questions were, which defeats the purpose of my making entries. Of course, I could have remembered them when I was making those posts. Oh well. The original essential questions had to do with determining what type of world this is and how to live in it, correct? If we set out to answer these questions from the get-go, it was probably assumed that we had no idea. And, if I had no idea then, why should I have an idea now? I think it's just a little pointless to spend time trying to figure out what kind of world this is -- to pin one outfit on and keep it there. Oh -- I guess I have figured something out, then. From my blog, my friends' blogs, and their entries, I mean. The world will always change. So will the people living in it, as well as their ideals and interests. Some things come together and work like clockwork. Some things fall apart. I suppose this is where another question comes up:

How far should we push before pulling back?

How far should we chase something out of a sense of familiarity? How can we determine how valuable something is without losing it first? How do we know if this feeling of needing something is based on a selfish need for a fall-back or on a sense of true comraderie?

When is it time to let go?

I got a little off-topic there, I think. But those could serve as new essential questions.


II


So... Numbered post number 13 has come about. This isn't actually the thirteenth post -- it's the fifteenth -- but I numbered them like this, so... Thirteen.

Why is it considered a bad luck number?

If believing in things makes things so, why is it so hard to stop believing that certain things will bring misfortune? Is trying hard not to believe in something the same thing as believing? Giving it attention and thought.


III


How much is too much?

How much should we take before realizing that what we think we need and what we want don't lie in the same direction? What if we've already realized this and don't do anything about it? Is this wrong? When do we cross "the line"? Is there a definite line? Why do we waver, coming and going across the line? Do we really waver, in our hearts? When logical thought is taken from the picture, do things become clearer?

When should we feel, and when should we think?


IV


I'm interested in a lot of weird things. Things people my age wouldn't really be interested in. Or... at least, not the people in my immediate surroundings. Is this wrong? I know my parents try not to think about it as much; I can see it and hear it when they don't respond or change the subject smoothly. I realize that I should do what makes me happy -- but where is the line between happiness for oneself and selfishness/refusal to change for someone else? Should we ever be required to change for someone else? I usually try not to think about these kinds of things, because it gets me nowhere, and I'm always more lost at the end of it than I was at the beginning. But really.

If one changes for someone else, compromising his/her happiness and going with the flow, is that right? Or is a refusal to accept those who don't accept his/her opinions right? Where's the happy midway point? Can you be halfway between the two without being called a hypocrite? I'm not expressing this the way I want to. It just... doesn't come out right. What would the world be like if we spoke through thought and mental images? Would we get along if we could understand? Or would those thoughts and mental images just be contorted and used against us?

I ramble too much. And each path I take leads me farther from my original thought.

Is it true that every time you sigh, you get shorter?




...




If you're still reading, stop reading.



V


Hah. It started out as kind of a joke. You know, just a "what-if."

" 'If I said I wanted to go to art school, what would you say?'

'...'

'I mean, I know I'd have to get another job or something, because it'd be hard to make a living in such an unstable field, but...'

'Well, you know, art school is okay, but...'

'But?'

'Well... It's just that you need to make a living -- support yourself... I don't know. If you didn't have the grades you have...'

'What does that mean?' "

So now that my grades are dropping, is it all right? I realize that going to art school isn't the best idea for me; my talent isn't on par with my ambition, and I'd struggle, both with money and life in general.

But I love to draw.

Or do I? When things like this roll around, I start to question what I like, what I need, what I want. Do I like to draw? Yes, it relaxes me. Yes, it's considerable stress relief. I feel like... But could I do it for a living? Will I still be interested in it ten years down the line? I don't know. I do know that I don't have the skill for it. I'm not sure I ever will. Should I stop pursuing it?

I don't know why I asked if I wasn't intending to go to art school in the first place. I mean, yes, I ... Actually, I was considering it, but now I'm not so sure. Financial security is beginning to sound really nice, and insecurity, the more it's talked about, is sounding less and less appealing. SVA would have been nice. That Art Institute up in Washington sounded neat. But I need to go to a college that will give me a "solid undergraduate," so that when I pursue what I really want, I will have something to fall back on.

How much do we have to "endure" before we can reach for what we really want? Should we have to endure things? I realize that failure is all-too real an option, and that anything in the arts business is extremely risky for someone of my mediocre-or-less skill level. And yet I want to reach for it. I wanted to go for it. But now, I don't think I will. My parents say I can try to go to something like the Art Institute after I graduate from a different college, but college is so expensive. I don't want to trouble my family out of my selfish want to follow a dream that might not come true. And I realize I'm being spoiled and whiny and EMO about it all; I don't know that I'll still want to do this a few years down the line. In fact, I don't even know if I'll still want what I do when I graduate from high school. I guess... I just wanted... I don't know what I wanted. Maybe support? Faith? Who knows?

I'll try for normal colleges, so I can fall back on a normal job. I keep saying "fall back." It's like assuming I'm going to fail at whatever I choose to reach for. I know it never hurts to be prepared, and that it's stupid to go into life without a backup plan, but... I don't know.

How high can I go? How far?

How high am I allowed to aim before faith turns into foolishness?

-edit-

Ugh. I know it's selfish. I know it's stupid. Tuition went up AGAIN this year, and I know my parents would expect something out of their fifteen grand a year. If I could be successful like my Aunt, maybe. Like that.

I just thought it was neat, y'know? That these video game designers and character artists -- their work is proof that they existed. Their work entertained people -- children, teens, maybe even adults or elderly folk. Maybe made them laugh, possibly even cry. I mean... even after they're gone. Say Nomura Tetsuya. Even after he passes on, we'll remember him. He existed.

Is that what this is all about? Proof of existence? Am I so desperate for some kind of self-validation?

... Do we need others to validate ourselves?