i'm so sick of love songs, so tired of tears

Post 28 :: Exodus Infinity :: On Going Out :: Of Parents and Problems :: Diarrhea of the Mouth


I


Yesterday, on Friday the thirteenth, we got together in groups of four or so and talked Exodus. We were supposed to have come to class having read the entire chapter, which was rather long, if I do say so myself. Most of our group read the chapter, I suppose, and somehow, we discovered a packet of printed Sparknotes on the floor between our books. I've never actually sat down and read any kind of Sparknotes. I saw one in the bookstore, picked it up and flipped through it, but I couldn't see myself buying it. I don't really want to confine myself to one point of view on a novel, and not be able to formulate my own opinion because I haven't read the actual text. Hah. That sounds snotty.

Anyway, as we discussed -- or rather, attempted to discuss -- the chapter, we found that no one really knew what to say. We didn't know what stood out or what was put in as a metaphor for something else. We didn't think about symbolism and motifs, or anything of that sort. Or at least, I didn't. Even though we had read Exodus, we couldn't draw anything of any sort of significance out of that literature circle. Personally, Exodus was more interesting, and I'd read part of it in advance. As a result of reading for pleasure rather than for assignment, I remembered almost nothing about these little details that loom so large in an English classroom. I did, however, enjoy reading. When I read for symbolism or detail specifically, there's nothing to enjoy. (Well, for someone like me, at least.)

Perhaps we could try out simply talking about the book. What we liked or disliked, thought was stupid or funny -- would that lead to a deeper conversation? Friday's literature circles seemed slow and not very active. No one felt the urge to share his or her ideas without being asked or prodded.

In the larger literature circle, more topics were brought up. By nature, I am quite the contrary person, and I love to argue. I don't mean any kind of personal attack or anything, but the way I speak makes it come off like that. So I tend to keep most of my opinions to myself in classroom discussion.

One topic that was brought up was the idea of Leah's beliefs while staying with the nuns. While she is there, she prays to old, black African stones as she waits for Anatole's return. One classmate mentioned it showed her religious beliefs or respect for nature. I thought her praying was kind of ironic, though. Her father, Nathan, had preached to the Congolese about their praying to false idols, which goes back to the Bel and the Serpent chapter. I'm not religious, so forgive me for saying anything that may be construed as disrespectful or offensive. Doesn't her prayer to the rock, when she says it is "One solid thing to believe in" (423) show that she has stopped believing in God? This may be a stretch, but I think it shows that she has given up on believing in something that she cannot hold. God is not solid. God is all about faith, and believing even when you cannot see. Why does Leah say "one solid thing"? She needs that solidity. Religion is no longer what she turns to when times are troubled.


II


It's not because I love my friends any less. In fact, I don't think anyone could ever imagine how much I appreciate my friends for staying with me even though I'm so difficult. No amount of money or words could ever express how strongly I feel about that. Even a smile or a wave makes my day that much brighter. Am I being ungrateful when I do things like this?


III


"I don't know why I couldn't have been born a good child, born someone who knows what they want, knows who they are, knows how to act. What to change, what to follow, what to fight."

An incredibly simple answer to this problem would be:

Just shut up and be nice.

But I just... It's not that easy for me. By my damned nature, I am argumentative, sarcastic, and cynical. Not to mention short-tempered. Unfortunately.

And I must need some kind of psychological help or something, because I just can't get myself to control it. And it's not even a "can't" anymore. I'm pretty sure I can. I just... don't. For some odd reason. Especially when I'm tired. I mean, really. You'd think I could at least be respectful towards my parents. But no. For some reason, I'm always pissing my mom off to high hell, even more so nowadays than before. I've always got some kind of attitude. I've always got some tone in my voice. I'm always doing something disrespectful or being lazy. Hell! I'm doing it again, right now! Why can't I stop?

Most of the time, I don't even realize what I'm doing and that it comes off as rude and disrespectful -- until she reprimands me for it.

There's something to be said about my character there.

How do I fix myself? It's like I've got the instruction manual and all the tools. But without the pin that holds everything together, it falls apart with the smallest nudge. How do I find that piece? It's just so frustrating! How can I be this slow?

* How do we fix ourselves?


IV


Haha.