Post 27 :: Useless Thinking and Lyrics
five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
What do we do with each one of those minutes? Are we doing what we want to be doing? Doing what we should be doing? Doing what needs to be done? Living each one to the fullest?
five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Should past experiences affect how we continue to live our lives? Should bad experiences limit your willingness to try again? How do we rid ourselves of shame and regret? Do we carry them with us until we pass on, like permanent shackles from which we cannot free ourselves? Or should we use them to our advantage? Somehow, some way?
five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Life is long, but life is short. Which is it? Why is it? If we make the most of each and every single minute, would life become too long? Maybe we're given all the time we need to attain happiness and everything we could ever want. Maybe we're not, so the things we do attain are made more precious.
how do you measure, measure a year?
if there's a prize for rotten judgement, i guess i've already won that
When we make mistakes, what happens to them? They say the human mind is excellent at erasing painful memories, but why is it that those are the ones that come first into my mind? All I can think of is how I screwed up, how poorly I handled each situation. When does the erasing kick in? How long should I carry this mark on my slate? A week? Three months? Forever?
no man is worth the aggravation
I can see how forever would be prudent. Any bad choice should be remembered so the choice is never made again. But how long does this guilt have to sit in my heart, dropping lead into the pit of my stomach? How long will it be until people forget? How long will it be until I forget?
that's ancient history
I can't forget it ever happened. That would be an insult to everyone, myself included. Then what can I do? Learn from it? Hah. I don't want the past to repeat itself, but every time I think I want to try again, the past ambles up to me with its crooked gait, filling me with anxiety and guilt. Maybe even fear. Although... Part of that fear may be directly for myself. I don't want to get hurt. Part of it is for the others who involve themselves with me. They'll get hurt. And the rest of it is for myself, indirectly. I don't know if I could live with myself if I repeat another mistake.
been there, done that
I don't want it to happen again. I don't want it to happen again. I don't want it to happen again. I don't want another reminder of the kind of person I am. I don't want the knowledge of my cruelty, whether it was intentional or not, writ into stone once more. I don't want this shame cast across my shoulders again.
no chance, no way, i won't say it no, no
I don't see why I bother thinking through this again and again. It's not like anything's going to change. I'll lose interest and everything will be back to normal. I don't see why I feel the need to agonize over each moment of my life, over each and every little thing that happens. All this will do is give me premature wrinkles, if anything. Everyone says I think about things too much, myself included. Why can't I stop?
it's too cliche
I just can't. Or can I?
i won't say i'm in love
Maybe I just think I can't? If I think I can, will I be able to change it? Old habits die hard, right? Or were they bad habits? I don't know. I'd better go all out, then. I'll think about the things that need more thinking about -- like studying. I haven't been doing much of that lately.
i thought my heart had learned its lesson
I think I want to try again, if anyone would let me. And yet I don't want what happened before to happen again. I don't want to start something that will end, because I don't know how it would end. How can I say that? Hah. I know everything ends. Even life.
it feels so good when you start out
I couldn't do it again, could I? I don't think so, but I wouldn't know. I do know, however, that if I did, the guilt would crush me. Or... it should.
my head is screaming, "get a grip, girl"
How can I be so deluded? How can I not see things clearly until I've done what I cannot turn back time and redo? If only life were like a video game, with the reset button an arm's reach away.
unless you're dying to cry your heart out
I don't want this to hurt any more. It shouldn't even hurt me, because I was the one who hurt someone else with the very same blade. I guess this is the metaphorical double-edged sword. Though the metaphor itself is wrong, because you will never cut yourself at the same time, even if the sword is double-edged. Hm.
no chance, no way, i won't say it no, no
I guess it would be more accurately described as recoil. When you fire the gun, someone else takes the bullet. You feel the recoil, though. Right? The bigger the shot, the stronger the recoil. In my mind, the shot's recoil has magnified itself a thousand-fold. And it wasn't all that small to begin with. I can't even think about starting a new slate without it burning itself into my thoughts. I want to throw it away, to stop feeling this guilt and this shame -- this immense disgust for who I am and what I embody.
this scene won't play
I am a despicable person. I guess everyone should have the right to be happy, but somehow I can't bring myself to believe that I am part of that "everyone." I've hurt too many people, done too many things I'm ashamed of, accumulated too much regret... I just don't think someone like me could deserve to be happy. Call it self-pity if you will, because I'm sure it is. Sorry.
i won't say i'm in love
i have often dreamed of a far-off place, where a hero's welcome would be waiting for me
I want to surround myself with things that make me happy. Is that too material? I want to surround myself with people who make me smile. Is that too selfish? I want to be happy. Do I have the right?
where the crowds will cheer when they see my face
Is it wrong? Is it natural? Would it being natural make it acceptable? If I want to belong somewhere, where do I look? Is it selfish to look to another to take my flaws in stride and continue walking -- when I am too afraid, too insecure to do it myself? Is it too cowardly?
and a voice keeps saying, "this is where i'm meant to be"
If I cannot overlook things, even for the people I love, where will I end up? If I keep pushing people away, either intentionally or unintentionally, will I not end up alone? Lonely? If I swallow the pride I've thrown away long ago, can I keep those I love from leaving me? Can I lift the blinds from my heart and see what it is I love, rather than think about what I cannot bring myself to take in stride? For myself, as well as for others?
i'll be there some day
I wish I were more patient. I wish I were kinder, more generous, more attentive. I wish I were less talkative, less negative, less boring. More attractive, more than what I am. Less of a pain, less of a brat. More optimistic, less lazy, more feminine, less prone to random fits of anger, more stable... Where is the happy medium? I realize that nobody can be perfect, but isn't that just because everyone has different ideas of what constitutes perfection? You can be perfect in your own eyes, can't you? Perfect in your imperfection? So why does everyone say you cannot be perfect?
i can go the distance
Can I be perfect in my own eyes? Can I learn to accept these flaws and ridiculous mannerisms?
i will find my way
Should I accept these flaws? Where do we stop accepting and start changing? "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." What about the things we should change? Is the quote made this way to show us that there is nothing that should or should not be done? Is it a matter of wanting to or not wanting to? Is it a matter of needing to? Why do I lack the wisdom to know the difference?
if i can be strong
How can I change myself? How can I bend my mind around the fact that I hate it when people tap pencils on the table? How can I stop snapping at people who wiggle their legs and make the entire desk shake? How can I restrain my temper? How can I stop myself? I can't stand being annoyed at every little thing. It's unhealthy and mean. "Mean" is a somewhat anti-climactic word to use, but hell, that's the simplest word I can think of to describe it. I can't stand myself this way. How can I change?
i know every mile will be worth my while
Someone once said that it is in realizing that we need to change, that we begin to do so. Why am I stuck in this wretched mindset? Why can't I find a way to make people smile, instead of make them frown? Make them laugh instead of cry? If I keep pushing myself to the edge, trying to bring forth some epiphany or realization, will I finally get one? Will I finally be able to change?
when i go the distance, i'll be right where i belong
